canadian poetry / canadian poets / dVersePoets / MeetingtheBar / natasha head / Poems by Natasha Head / poetry / Poetsunited / tashtoo

See~Through Me


This week, Brian and Claudia are manning the dVersePub for Meeting the Bar~ Critique&Craft, and this week, in order for us to offer up our own selection for review, we must agree to critique the poem posted before and after our own.  Fair enough…but I’m incredibly uncomfortable with the process.  I’m biting the bullet though…and I do hope you consider sharing with us as well.  All in the name of being a better poet…I’m going to try!

See-Through Me

Transparent…empty…void
of the solid with
no walls to hide

behind unless you count
these panes of glass
as barriers to your

prying eyes, I have no
secrets, couldn’t keep one if I
tried, yet you still insist

I’m holding back, why
push for the drama to the point
you invent it

behind the cinder blocks you refuse
to let me pass, beyond your
disguise where you demanded

I remove my own, random condition
of your ownership, now discarded
like yesterday’s trash

yet still you insist I’m hiding
behind these walls of slivered glass.

This particular write was inspired by the prompt offered up at Poets United where they’re talking about Glass Houses! Thought I’d have a go at their Thursday Think Tank

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “See~Through Me

  1. Okay… I'm not good at this at all, but it looks like I have to critique your poem (which I love by the way). I absolutely love the content and meaning of this poem. I notice when I read it, I feel like I'm running through a maze and hitting barriers at the end of each verse. I'm sure that's your intention as she is very angry, but I wonder how it would flow with more traditional line breaks? I really don't know b/c this piece is top-notch. I also notice a lot of the word "of".These are only my thoughts… I think you have written a wonderful poem for the prompt glass houses. Thanks. Did I do okay?~laurie

  2. Tash, I think you did an excellent job with this piece. I really like the structure you used, and feel you did a great job with your enjambments. The prompt seems to inspired you well, I actually was getting the picture of a glassed enclosure before you let the cat out of the bag there at the end:)Really nicely done, thanks for a good read on a Thursday Eve

  3. Enjoyable, as always. My own favorite line was "why push for the drama to the point you invent it."I'm not a participant in these poetic challenges, of course, just giving my opinion on this poem. I'd always be leery of imposing my own stylistic biases upon other poets, with styles and quirks of their own. It'd be a shame to rob someone of his or her voice just to satisfy my own way of writing my poems, stories, etc.

  4. alright…nice job tash…i like the beat through this and the off rhymes…and its evocative…well spun…now lets have some fun…smiles.Transparent…empty…voidof the solid withno walls to hidebehind unless you countthese panes of glass (could do pains for word play)as barriers to yourprying eyes, I have nosecrets, couldn't keep one if Itried, yet you still insistI'm holding back, why (think you could play off the rhyme with tried-maybe even lied, or little white lies just to keep the beat going)push for the drama to the pointyou invent itbehind the cinder blocks you refuseto let me pass, beyond yourdisguise where you demanded(where is kinda iffy for me, maybe 'yet')I remove my own, random conditionof your ownership, now discardedlike yesterday's trashyet still you insist I'm hidingbehind these walls of slivered glass.i like your play tash…as always just some suggestions or thoughts…

  5. Hi tash – i like the direction of this poem – plenty to work with and develop – Brian chipped in some great ideas – i think some lines really work yet still you insist I'm hidingbehind these walls of slivered glasseffective ending and as always a lot of personality is present as i hear your distictive poetic voice

  6. See through like a ghostThat's not something I'd want to boastThose prying eyesCould tell liesA very indepth pieceThat I know will never ceaseNicely done once moreNow go back to sell, sell, sell at your floor..haha

  7. A lot of hiding, walls, disconnect between the MC and her obsession. It makes you want to whistle to the MC and say, "Over here, come on. We have normal people to deal with. No a** holes, you'll be safe and be able to find yourself.The poem is very well written and communicated. I hate the MC is in that position. You really make the reader want to pull for her, even grab her and shake her. Super reader involvement. I can't see any improvments other than keeping track of the walls and their symbolism. But when I slow down, change my POV to that of your MC, it reads much better. I really enjoyed it.

  8. i'm not reading the other comments because i'm not participating in the "critique" ~ i'm just commenting and i LOVE this poem! the line-breaks between stanzas are SO effective, and your amazing descriptions told with uncommon beauty of the all-too-common ugliness in this type of dysfunctional relationship are riveting. ♥ dani

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s