canadian poetry / canadian poets / natasha head / poetry by natasha head / poetry by tashtoo / teenage suicide

Final Apology ~ For One Shot Wednesday


This weeks One Shot for me, is straight from the heart, and therefore, really no form will fit what I am hoping to convey.  This year,  my part of the world, has brought us news of THREE (we are a very small province) teen suicides, that have been blamed on bullying, especially through social networking.  I have very strong opinions on this, but the overwhelming sadness and heavy heart sums up one thing.  We are failing our children! Parents, teachers, coaches…if we can not instill in these children that life is worth living, the fight is worth fighting, what does this hold for our future? I have seen, first hand, just how mean and hateful these kids can be! What do we have to do to teach them the consequences of such cruelty? How can we teach them to love and care for each other.  What do we need to do?  My heart cries…imagine the hearts of the friends and family who have lost so much? Please, dear world, embrace the virtues we once held so dearly. Be the beings we are capable of, ones that know compassion, love, empathy, sympathy, acceptance, tolerance and the freedom to show these attributes without fear of condemnation.  Be the example for your children, be the example for their friends!

Final Apology
I never expected to feel this way…worthless
A stain on the world…though I’m not old enough to know the world.
A class of seventeen rose against me, the only world I know
And shamed, I could not carry the burden.
My history of fifteen years deserves no chance to be rewritten,
So letting go, I prepare for what waits beyond.
They tell me nothing…but nothing is better than this.
They’ve already convinced me that nothing is all I am, ever was and will be.
Have you ever felt your heart collapse into your stomach?
I felt it, and it grows heavier each day.
Who was I supposed to talk to?
Mom and Dad? All the worries they already carry? I wouldn’t dare!
My teacher? I took her advice and held my chin high, I held on
But it was her hands that let go and slipped away.
At least they allowed me to leave early each day
So I could bare my back to the enemy
Allowing them to add coward to their list of pet names for me.
All I needed was a reason,
A light to guide me, a hand to hold
I know the sun always breaks through, but some storms are longer than others
No one could tell me how long I had to wait.
I looked for proof that it would get better
I swear to god, I did…
But my search was time wasted.
I have tasted the evil on the hearts of men
Disguised in brand names, gadgets, and lunch room titles
A uniform that I could never hope to afford,
A lover who only laughed at our union
A notch on a century’s old bedpost
The ultimate betrayal would be my undoing.
If our souls have the freedom to fly beyond this world,
Then I spread my wings willingly
And if not, if it all just stops…
Then I will know once and for all that wishes really do come true.
I am sorry I wasn’t strong enough.
I am sorry if I hurt you.
I am sorry
I am nothing.
Natasha Head
Stop on by Onestop Poetry today and check out the talent of some very amazing writers.  I count myself very honored to even be allowed to post to their site, and have learned so much since finding them. Any support you can give is appreciated, and nothing feels better to a poet than knowing your work has touched a heart.  Let them know how they touch yours by sharing your thoughts on what they so bravely present each and every week.

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19 thoughts on “Final Apology ~ For One Shot Wednesday

  1. damn tash…i hear you. i work with kids and this is all too real…what little world they have turns on them and whats left…bullying on any level is evil and should be pulled out by the roots…but is often taught at home..

  2. Brian, there was no ruder wake up call for me then when I sent my daughter trotting off with her Barbie lunchbox to her first day at public school…the kids, bad enough, but the parents! And god forbid you try to say something. I could share with you some wonderful emails that would tell you that it starts at home!

  3. Hard stuff Tash, lost a few friends growing up and adolescence is such a hard time. It does start at home but too many parents don't take their kids seriously or ignore them. Sad day and age when they have no one to talk to.

  4. this post humbles me, its an amazing write that really tugs hard and deep…i want this to be shared further than one stop..i hate bullying and how it destroys and even if you survive the scras are there forever..pete

  5. Glad you posted this one, Natasha. My heart goes out to all those affected by the deaths in your community. You express the emotions of hurt and humiliation that I imagine youth feel when tormented by their peers.

  6. hmmm I must be behind on that news, not that it is something I'd ever want to hear anyway, although I did read at my former high school how a teacher, who I had, got caught screwing his 16 year old student. So yeah it isn't just the parents and kids, teachers let this shit go on too because they are either to stupid or lazy to stop it. Kids are always going to tease, just how they are, but hurtful nasty teasing is learned at home and when the parents are morons, not much one can do. Good read.

  7. It is a harsh world for our children, and it breaks my heart. So many suffer alone until it's too late, and it's so wrong. This is powerfully written, and I stand with you in saying that we are all a part of both the problem and solution.

  8. This was beautifully written. What got me was this poor kid didn't want to burden the parents with this big burden. How sad. Poignant, but seems to be a way of life in our schools today. The nice thing about One Shot is it's a free-for-all. Post anything you like. Great entry.

  9. I often wonder what happened to the girl who used to bully me at school. She probably has kids of her own now who pick on others. A vicious cycle. Thanks for sharing this.

  10. I can't add to yours or other commentary's eloquence on the problem you're addressing, but I think your poem does address it brilliantly, and with inspiring passion and intelligence.. I love the jagged and conversational nature of it. For the speaker in the poem, how could they not express themselves that way? Your ideas flow through it at a rapid and flowing pace. I absolutely love how you move from past to future in the course of the poem, evoking memory and lack of hope, which makes the situation worse, bringing our hearts down deeper with the speaker. Then, what makes this poem truly brilliant is how in the future part of the poem you address the social and emotional concerns, as well as spiritual themes that pepper your other poems. This is no jumble, but another statement by a very distinct voice. Brava and brava again!

  11. Everything's so dramatic when you're a teenager – I remember those days – but now there is much more social interaction (mostly electronic) and more ways for bullying to occur. It's a shame.

  12. You really got down to the nitty gritty, Natasha. To be young, alone, isolated by circumstances, not having anyone who SHOWS they care enough for you to ask for help… how sad, how soul-destroying to feel like a 'nothing'. The cause of this has been passed down the generations, getting more and more pronounced with each generation.

  13. This is a very remarkable read Natasha. Full of compassion and perception. Teenage suicide is a challenging subject and you have approached it with great sensitivity and a remarkable fluidity of language. You absolutely found an appropriate form for your thoughts.

  14. thank you for writing this, for spreading the message, for giving those children a voice…a voice that maybe people will listen to now, since they didn't the first time… before it was too late…but, now, maybe, it won't be too late for others, if we all spread the word. I am sharing this with all of my connections…if we all share it, would the shares even come close to the number of children who's voices were never heard? I don't know but I think it would be a good start….it would be the best thing to ever "go viral" IMHO 🙂

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